Ask Amy: Rekindled romance has everything except passion

Dear Amy: I am a 65-year-old woman. I rekindled a relationship with a man I have known for over 50 years. He and I dated briefly (for six months) six years ago, and I was totally into him.

We stopped seeing each other because he was financially irresponsible. I could not see myself paying for everything with no help from him.

Fast-forward to 2022. He reached out to me. He’s still single, I am single, so we decided to try this again, this time with my eyes open and asking questions.

I moved to my family home, made renovations, and my financial situation is good because I don’t have a mortgage.

He lives in an apartment, but is planning to move closer to me.

We are heading into seven months of this reconnect, and I am very happy and content with him, but I am not sexually attracted to him.

We hold hands and kiss, but there is no sexual passion.

We sleep in the same bed. I feel like he is a very good friend and I want him to be with me forever, but I feel guilty because of the lack of sexual intimacy.

I enjoy sex and want to have it in my life.

I feel I am being very selfish holding onto him, knowing that there is no passion.

What should I do?

— Not Feeling It

Dear Not Feeling It: It sounds as if you are in good shape, in terms of your life choices and lifestyle.

You don’t mention whether your guy’s negative characteristics that led you to reject him several years ago have changed at all.

My theory is that in your previous relationship with him, you were temporarily blinded by the hotness.

Now — your eyes are very much open, and the walls you built that drove you to reject him previously are still up.

Sexual compatibility is all about trust and abandon, and although you like and love this guy, the trust isn’t there.

To answer your question, yes, it is selfish of you to be in a romantic relationship without disclosing what’s really going on with you.

Talking honestly could lead to a rekindling of your attraction, but even if it doesn’t — your guy deserves to know the truth about how you’re feeling.

Dear Amy: I have a very good friend from college, “Cheryl,” who has contacted me online after over 12 years of silence.

I gave up trying to be friends a long time ago because I was always the one asking her to do things, and she never reciprocated.

At the time, she had two small children, and I was not part of the “Mommy Club.”

I can’t help but feel slighted that she’s reaching out after all this time now that the kids are grown.

She wasn’t there for me when I needed a friend.

Should I get over it and respond to her, or click Ignore?

— Long Lost Friend

Dear Long Lost Friend: There is an oft-used quote about relationships that might help you to put your own experience into context: “People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.”

You and “Cheryl” formed a relationship during a season of your lives where your shared experiences helped to draw and keep you together.

Then the season changed, as she moved into motherhood. She either wasn’t able or interested in maintaining the friendship with you.

The seasons have changed again, and she has emerged.

You don’t need to “get over” your feelings in order to respond to her.

There is no downside in responding in a neutral way.

The downside to ignoring her, however, is that you will continue to ruminate on the failure of this friendship.

Your friend might want to explain or apologize for her absence (people do occasionally actually apologize for regretful behavior). Connecting would also give you the opportunity to express your disappointment, if you’re inclined. You can then decide whether you want to move forward in friendship.

She has made a bid for connection. Now it’s your turn.

Dear Amy: “Concerned Sibling” was worried about a sister, who was grieving her husband’s death while ignoring her role as executor of their father’s estate.

Being an executor can be overwhelming. It is helpful for people to know that they can renounce their role as executor and turn the job over to someone else.

— Been There

Dear Been There: Thank you. In my state, a notarized form filed with the court can complete this process.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

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